JOKES & RIDDLES - PAGE 3




What is a four-digit number in which
the first digit is one-third the second digit,
the third is the sum of the first and second, and
the last is three times the second?



Where do witches keep their spaceship?
IN THE CLOSET
(Thanks to Veronica, Sydney, Australia)



What jokes do scientists tell?
(Thanks to Veronica, Sydney, Australia)



What is Santa's favorite garden tool?
(Thanks to Kathy, Linden, NJ)



What is the same size as an elephant but does not have any weight?
(Thanks to Elena, Bangkok)



Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
(Thanks to Kathleen, CA)



If a rooster laid an egg on the tip of the roof, which way would the egg roll?
(Thanks to Josh, CA)




One atom was talking to another atom, and he said, "I think I lost an electron." The other atom answered, "Are you sure?"
The first atom said, "I'm positive!"

(Thanks to Kathleen, CA)



What did the cannibal get when he came late for dinner?
(Thanks to Kathleen, CA)



What pie flies?
(Thanks to Veronica, Australia)



Little Nancy Petticoat
In a white petticoat
and a red nose,
The longer she stands,
the shorter she grows.
(Thanks to riddlesandmore.com)



What did the Clown get on his I.Q. test?
(Thanks to the King's Clown in St. Louis, Mo.)



Why do ducks fly North?
(Thanks to Ben, M.N.)



What do you call a cow without legs?
(Thanks to Ben, M.N.)





One day in school, Joey told the teacher, "I ain't got no pencil."
The teacher said, "Joey, that is incorrect English. It's I have no pencil, he has no pencil, she has no pencil, we have no pencils, you have no pencil and they have no pencil."
And then Joey said, "Then who has all the pencils?"

(Thanks to Valerie, Miami)




A blind man and his seeing eye dog went into a china shop. The blind man started to swing his dog around up in the air.
The owner yelled, "Hey, what are you doing?"
The blind man replied, "I am just looking around."

(Thanks to Valerie, Miami)



What did the picture say to the wall?
(Thanks to Jerrett, Miami)



What has four wheels and flies?
(Thanks to Jerrett and Anthony, Miami)



If you leave home, and you take a left, then run a little ways then take another left, then run a little ways more, you are coming back home and there are two men with masks waiting for you. Who are they?
(Thanks to Anthony, Miami)


What do you call three rubber bands that make music?
(Thanks to Jerrett, Miami)


Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
(Thanks to Anthony, Miami)


What goes up when the rain comes down?
(Thanks to Nosisa, South Africa)


If you throw it off the highest building in the world it will not break, but if you put it in the water it will.   What is it?
(Thanks to Andrew, Texas)


THEIR ARE TWO BASEBALL TEAMS. TEAM ONE BEAT TEAM TWO BY 5 RUNS YET NO MAN CROSSED HOME PLATE. HOW CAN THIS BE?
(Thanks to Andrew, Texas)


What snake builds the best?
(Thanks to Ming, Honolulu)


Hungry and angry are two words that end in "gry".
There are three words in the English language. What is the third?
(Thanks to an anonymous contributor.)


What do you get if you cross a goat and an owl?
(Thanks to Charles, Winchester, TN)


Where was Paul going on the road to Damascus?
(Thanks to Charles, Winchester, TN)


Why do ducks have big flappers?
(Thanks to Charles, Winchester, TN)


Why do elephants have big feet?
(Thanks to Charles, Winchester, TN)


What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
(Thanks to Samantha, Winchester, VA)


What word, when written in capital letters, is the same forwards, backwards and upside down?


What is the first thing you say when you walk into a bar?
(Thanks to Sabrina, London)


Where do football players get their quarterback?
(Thanks to Mike, Modesto, CA)


Why didn't the zombie cross the road?
(Thanks to Lindsey, CA)


32 white horses on a red hill, here they go, there they go, yet they stand still.
What is it?
(Thanks to Valerie, Miami, Florida)


WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE AND READ ALL OVER?
(Thanks to Joyce, St. Petersburg, Florida)


The man who invented it doesn't want it.
The man who bought it doesn't need it.
The man who needs it doesn't know it.
What is it?


A dog was walking in a park when he saw a bench, on the bench was a sign that said, "Wet Paint".   So he did!

(Thanks to Samantha, Las Vegas, Nevada)



WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A COW AND A DUCK?
(Thanks to Eddie and Mike, Modesto, Ca)


WHY DID THE GUM CROSS THE ROAD?
(Thanks to Cleve, Miami, Florida)


Little Miss Netticoat in a white petticoat. The longer she stands, the shorter she grows. What is she?
(Thanks to Valerie, Miami, Florida)


A duck goes in the store and up to the manager. He asks him if he sells duck food. The manager tells him no.

The next day, the duck went back and asked him again. He still doesn't sell duck food. The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck went again. He asked the same question. The manager says no. He tells the duck if he asked one more time, he would staple the duck's feet to the floor.

The duck goes back to the store. He asks, "Do you have any staples?" The manager tells him no. Then the duck says, "Do you have any duck food?"

(Thanks to Lauren, St. Petersburg, Florida)



This is a one line joke   -  

"As I said before, I never repeat myself !"
(Thanks to Rohini.Ramkrishnan, Mumbai,India)


What kind of gum do whales chew?
(Thanks to Christopher, IN)


What is yellow on the outside, white on the inside?
(Thanks to Andrew, Borneo)


There are two baseball teams, team 1 and team 2. Team 1 beats team 2 by 3 runs, but not a single person on team 1 ran all the way around the bases. How did they win?
(Thanks to Laura, California)


A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out on Friday. How?
(Thanks to Nirali, Chattanooga and Joya, Indianapolis, Indiana)


What are two banana peels?
(Thanks to Nirali, Chattanooga)


If a man married a princess, what would he be?
(Thanks to Natalie, Singapore)


What do you take off last before going to bed?
(Thanks to Natalie, Singapore)


What did the appendix say to the kidney?
(Thanks to Natalie, Singapore)


What wipes its face with two hands all day long?
(Thanks to Natalie, Singapore)


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
(Anonymous)


Why can't leaves blow in a pine forest?
(Thanks to Amy Kristovic, Chicago, IL)


Where can you find the biggest diamonds in the world?
(Thanks to Jordan McGuire, Carterville, IL)


One day these soldiers went on a mission and the commander kept yelling at them.. so he comes up to one soldier and says, "Soldier, why haven't you put up your tent yet?"

The soldier replies, "Well, sir, you have not given me orders yet".   Then the sargeant says, "Okay, cadet, pitch your tent" and the soldier says, "Yes Sir!!!!!!".

A little later the sargeant comes back to find the soldier's tent in the field about 20 feet away.   The sargeant says, "What is this?" and the soldier says, "Well, sir, you told me to pitch my tent.. and that is exactly what I did..."
(Thanks to Jordan McGuire, Carterville, IL)




WHAT WOULD A CANNIBAL HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
(Thanks to Nicola Logan, Glasgow,Scotland)


WHAT WOULD A GHOST HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
(Thanks to Nicola Logan, Glasgow,Scotland)


How would a cannibal describe a man in a hammock?
(Thanks to Nicola Logan, Glasgow,Scotland)




THE WORLD'S BEST JOKE!

There is a man walking a dog and he meets a friend.
His friend asks "Does your dog bite?"
The man says "No, my dog does not bite."
The friend reaches down to pat the dog and it bites him!
"You said that your dog doesn't bite," says the friend.
The man says "I did say that but this is not MY dog!"

(Thanks to Doug Dalgetty, Glasgow, Scotland)


You throw out the outside. Cook the inside. Eat the outside and throw out the inside. What am I?


I sit in the corner and travel around the world. What am I?
(Thanks to Aaliyah Jordan, Sydney)


What do you call a sleeping bull?
(Thanks to Stephen Piper, New York)




Why shouldn't you let a doctor put one of those sticks in your mouth?
(Thanks to Kevin, W. Vancouver)


What gets wet as it dries?
(Thanks to Gene, Alabama)




Teacher to Johnny:
"Johnny, do you know the difference between an elephant's tail and a pump handle?"
Johnny:
"No, teacher, I don't."
Teacher:
"Well then, I'll never send you for water!"
(Thanks to Don Tidwell)




Why did the cow cross the road?
(Thanks to Lisa, 5 1/2 years old)


Do this riddle in your head without using paper and pen.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Now add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

(Remember to add it in your head)
(Thanks to "riddlesandmore.com")

Six glasses are in a row. The first three are filled with milk, and the last three are empty. By moving only one glass, can you arrange them so that the full and the empty glasses alternate?

(Thanks to "riddlesandmore.com")


Why was Mr. Cookie so sad?
He was feeling crummy

Where do cows go for fun?
To the mooovies

Where do baby apes sleep?
In apricots

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach?
A Sandwich

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A Buccaneer

What shivers at the bottom of the ocean?
A nervous wreck

How do we know that clocks are always hungry?
They always have seconds.

Where did the bird go when it lost its tail?
The Retail Shop

What did the farmer do when his chicken wouldn't lay any eggs?
He showed her an egg sample

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
They have their own scales

What sea animal can be adjusted to play music?
A tune-a fish (tuna fish)


Why is a river so rich?
Because it has two banks

What do computers eat?
Computer Chips

John has 5 apples and 7 friends. How does he share the apples between the friends?
He will make an Apple Pie

Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work


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